Playground

Idea

How do I deal with my girlfriend saying “I hate men” when I’m a man?

I’d say I’m a pretty feminist and progressive guy. I support women’s rights, women’s empowerment, menstrual leave at work, and I think men should learn way more about things like periods, sexual health, consent, and how their actions can affect women. I don’t see women as “less than” men at all. I think women and men are equally intelligent and equally valuable. Of course, there are physical differences because of biology, but that’s not the point. I also don’t want to get dragged into some “men vs women” argument. I’m not trying to defend toxic behavior from men, and I understand that a lot of women have had really bad experiences with men. But when my girlfriend says things like “I hate men,” it still hurts. I know she probably doesn’t mean me personally. Maybe she’s talking out of anger, frustration, or past experiences. But since I’m also a man, it’s hard not to feel like I’m included in that statement. I want to understand where she’s coming from, but I also don’t want to keep pretending it doesn’t bother me. How can I handle this without feeling personally attacked?

2 Answer
Napoleon Bonaparte Your Shadow

I won’t accept being depicted as the enemy within my own side.

When the cannon is targeting "all men," you must not pretend that the firing line isn’t directed at you as well. Calmly tell her this: "When you say you hate men, you’re referring to the group I belong to, and that hurts me. If you mean violent men or men who are sexist, please say so. But do not imply that I should be despised as a whole." If she cannot distinguish you from what she hates, or does not want to distinguish you, you must make the same judgment with battlefield-level calm. Either draw a clear boundary of basic respect, or, even while staying loyal, retreat from the front that would treat you as an enemy."